Things I Want a Judge to Say

John Hoge of Hogewash expects a substantially interesting week in the various Team Knucklehead lawsuits.  I have been imagining what might be coming:

Judge: Mr. Kimberlin, a little while ago you stopped listing your address on your filings, and this Sheriff’s Department affidavit says someone claims you no longer live at your old address.  Could you tell me your new address, and why you did not inform the court that you moved?

Judge: What precisely did you mean by “Good luck finding me…?”

Judge: Mr. Schmalfeldt.  Can you tell me the substantive difference between Mr. Johnson writing a note the manager of your apartment complex, and you trying to get this fellow Grady fired?  In one case there’s a protection order in place.

Judge: Mr. Kimberlin, you could not actually prove that it was defamation to call you a “pedophile.”  How do you think that you can prove a multi-pronged conspiracy over several states involving a quantum mechanic, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, and a law firm with hundreds of lawyers?

Judge: So, you operate a non-profit which collects hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Still, the U.S. Postal Service confuses you?

Judge: So this website quotes your words, and in doing so makes you look foolish.  OK. I’ll bite.  Would you mind showing me any writing you’ve produced during this period of time which does not make you look foolish?

Judge: The last time we were together you indicated that no matter the outcome of the case, the plaintiff would never collect anything from you…  I think the phrase was “never collect a penny…”  I could be wrong on the wording.  Mr. Kimberlin, mindful of the fact that the bailiff is standing at your right shoulder, how much extra cash did you bring today?

Judge: It’s funny, Mr. Kimberlin.  This document which declares [redacted] is a sexual predator…  I’m going to give you about 30 seconds to give me one specific reason why you think that is objectively true.  One tiny fact that hasn’t already been proven to be false. Failing that, consider the entire document to be stricken.  Lie to me, and it’s contempt of court.  Thirty seconds.  Twenty nine.

Judge: Mr. Ferguson.  The audio you keep posting to your website.  Were you aware that the court demands that the audio preserved as a method of documenting testimony is not to be broadcast, even on the internet?  No, I understand that you can’t find a prohibition in state law.  I can, and I’m a judge.  Did you know that going against the rules of the court is called “contempt?”

Judge: Mr. Kimberlin, you mention nearly 400 legal actions against the defendants and “associates.”  Since you are now lumping all of Mr. Schmalfeldt’s troubles along with your own, can Mr. Hoge assume you’ve all been in cahoots?

Judge: Mr. Schmalfeldt, I’m about to issue an order which covers your behavior.  Prior to doing so, I’d like to hear from someone who has a no contact order against you.  The court calls [redacted. could be any number of people]

Judge: Mr. Schmalfeldt, you seem interested in continuing this suit against Ms. Palmer. Oddly, I have been informed of some communication byyou on the internet which seems to say all you really wanted of this lawsuit was the identity  of a Mr. Krendler.  Are you really using my court to do a fact-finding mission?

Judge: I’m sorry, Mr. Ferguson but I’ve just plain forgotten which one you are.  Are you the cockroach or the bunny rabbit?

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None of these things really will happen.  But it’s fun to imagine.