Monthly Archives: July 2012

You Might be a Redneck Christian if…


Somehow this got started in my brain.  With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy…

You might be a Redneck Christian…

If someone asks you about your faith and you say “I think Bobbie LeBonte’s gonna win Rockingham this year…”

If you have ever sung Amazing Grace to the tune of the Gilligan’s Island Theme or House of the Rising Sun.*

If your prison tattoo is John 3:16.

If you have ever worshipped in a double-wide sanctuary…

Borrowed from Squirrel's Views Blogspot Blog

If this is your Senior Youth Group Travel Bus.

If you have ever killed and eaten something on a women’s retreat…

If you can only attend Bible study every other week because of the restraining order…

If you’ve ever made change in the collection plate.  If you’ve ever needed help making change in the collection plate.

If you have ever taken the youth group shooting…

If every Christmas, when you hear about the three wise men traveling thousands of miles on three camels – it reminds you to stop off at the Quicky Mart for some smokes (you instinctively reach for the pack rolled up in your t-shirt sleeve.)

If the only bible verse you know by heart is printed on the back of the package of pork rinds.

When the choir sings “Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel, it reminds you to order a new five speed tranny for the truck.

If you have no opinion about salvation by grace – but you tell people  “Don’t get me started on restrictor plates…’

If your Christian video collection contains The Ten Commandments, The Last Supper and Roadhouse starring Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott.

You might be a Redneck Christian.

Somebody in the house thinks I’m making fun of people.  If I am, and you’re offended and you comment here, I will be happy to make an additional donation to my church this Sunday in your name.  Please understand though, two or three of these things actually apply to me.  – Dave 

Footnote:

The Chenille Sisters  sang Amazing Grace to the Gilligan’s Isle Theme in Oswego, NY at Harborfest a million years ago.  They were amazing, and very sweet. You can reverse it, but singing the Gilligan Theme to the tune of Amazing Grace is too slow to be funny.  I sang Silent Night w/ukulele at church, then used the same chords and notes for Amazing Grace.  It fits pretty well.

One night I figured out that I could sing “Old Time Rock and Roll” by Bob Segar to the tune of “The Lady is a Tramp.”  In the future, doctors will solve the mystery as to why I would even go there.

 

Update: Amazing Grace can also be sung to the tunes of Margaritaville and Old Time Rock and Roll.

Things Stuck to the Bottom of My Brain:


  • I have decided to swim from Corolla to Ocracoke on the Outer Banks of North Carolina to raise awareness about how dangerous it is to swim in the ocean.
  • You know sometimes I just say, ‘Sure, the hell with it.  Close all the tabs.”
  • If the world operated like computers, ever time you closed a door you’d have to save the room behind you.
  • Dunkin Donuts managed to deliberately misspell both words in their name.
  • People don’t actually dunk doughnuts.
  • A moment ago, I misspelled misspell.
  • The company that makes “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” should merge with “Helluva Good Cheese” to produce a product called “No Freakin’ Way this is Mayo.”
  • When I was a child, all of the pictures of me were taken “just to finish up the roll of film.”
  • If you run through the aisles yelling, “My Yuengling, my yuengling, won’t you play with my yuengling…” they won’t let you buy any more.
  • Who knew Harris Teeter has security?
  • Channing Tatum has the all-time girl name of all time.
  • Some women don’t need to put on makeup for exactly the same reason you don’t sprinkle salt on bacon.
  • I used to volunteer at a shelter for battered fish sticks.
  • Lizard Lick Towing is real, but NBC News is fake.  Huh.
  • Amish Tech Support is not very helpful.  They never pick up the phone.
  • When they do pick up, they immediately ask “are you sure the computer is unplugged?”