I Still Want to Be a Liberal

This is part two of a continuing series.

I still want to be a liberal.

I want to wear my mask, burn things and stop other people from enjoying their freedoms. All the while calling the other guys KKK and fascists.

The best place to transition from one gender to another was the military.

I want to choose my pronoun. It is my expression of sexual freedom. I will punish you if you try to express your freedom by calling me “she.” Unless I embrace the pronoun “she.” I’ll get back to you.

I demand a safe space. I have been micro-aggressed and I will have a safe space, you Nazi thug, or I will protest the sh-t outta you and every professor on this campus. I don’t give a Sh-t if you’re tenured, or if you’re the Dean of Students for Inclusion. Your whiteness, heterosexuality and smug attitude has been triggering. You don’t want to see me God dam-ed f-cking triggered.

They’re called hoodies, not hoods. The KKK were cowards for wearing hoods, but we are brave because we wear hoodies and scarves over our faces while we oppress. I mean fight oppression.

I still want to be a liberal.

I want to read about all the bad things that the president is doing behind the scenes in the White House, including those things which he promised us we’d do.

I love the fact that the president can’t actually take a leak without someone leaking the details. If this makes it impossible for this guy to accomplish anything, well that’s just fine with me.

Dissent is the greatest form of patriotism. After an eight year period in which it was racist.

I believe that my Women’s Studies Master’s degree proves that I have greater wisdom than the the guy who skipped college, learned to be a plumber and who has no student loans, and earns $185,000 a year.

I want to be able to pretend to know more about oppression than those who have actually been oppressed.

This Starbucks job is temporary.

I still want to be a liberal.

As a true liberal, I will believe that we really should put this country in the hands of experts.

If I was a liberal, I’d know that we will see true safety on college campuses when men who are accused of sexual assault are considered guilty until proven otherwise.

Never mind that last one.

I have gotten some body art so I fit in with my new liberal-progressive friends. I have three tattoos on my body which I can’t read, but which I’m told mean “peace,” “freedom,” and something about spirituality or some stuff.

My chosen profession will be one in which I am unlikely to ever face competition with an undocumented individual who used to live in another country.    

Up until recently, it was okay to hold historic views on marriage and gender. Now, it is blasphemy, sexist, misogynist and evil.

I still want to be a liberal.

I will look for hate speech around me, even to the point of eavesdropping. I will turn in the offenders to their employers or even the authorities.

I will know exactly what hate speech is, since I will be on the side which sets the limits of speech.  I will fight in the streets against hate speech, because hate speech can lead to violence. And violence is bad.

I will treat every culture and tradition as valuable — including the ones which failed to adapt and were crushed. Even the cultures which supported slavery and death. If you can’t see this, perhaps you ARE a Nazi.

I will never suggest that someone coming here should have a skill, or a craft, or some minimal ability to communicate in English. America actually does not have enough illiterate, unskilled people.

I will support Elizabeth Warren for president. Elizabeth Warren was totally justified to claim Native American ancestry when it benefited her, and to discontinue mention of it when it did not. To disagree with this statement shows a hatefulness toward Native Americans.

I will believe that rights are things the government says you can do.

I will blame the patriarchy for the low number of women in STEM careers and college programs. I learned all about this in my Feminist Sociology seminar. I think the engineering department is in the brown building near the Union.

Those events in my life which were called “rage” or “flying off the handle,” and which were once my fault, will now be blamed on triggering by others. In high school I beat a kid up for calling me a name. Now I understand that I was triggered by him calling me a name. Even breaking the kid’s nose is traumatic for me, and it has caused be to be less able to avoid violence since then. None of what I do is actually my fault.

I will support choice. No, not in schools. That’s just wrong. I mean gender, race, sexuality, and abortion.

I will support your right to worship. At church. Inside that building.

The only spirituality which I will consider is indigenous, Native American ideas…or maybe eastern mysticism.  I’d like to be a shaman, or a fakir. Something cool like that.

I will pretend that the Second Amendment means that only a well regulated militia should have guns, and ignore the phrase “shall not be infringed.” By the way, I oppose “a well regulated militia,” too.

I still want to be a liaison. Or a writer for a think tank. Or work at the UN. At least then my work would have meaning.

I will begin to call myself a “child victim advocate, because I plan to liaise with other groups which raise awareness about child victimization. I will attend conferences and share ideas about raising awareness. I was going to go the “animal rights” direction, but the children’s conference was closer.

I identify with the pajama boy, who sat on his parent’s couch, sipping cocoa and explaining why the American taxpayers should subsidize his medical bills.

I still want to be a liberal.

I want to to assign evil intent to words. Don’t say “blacklisted” or “blackballed.” Same for “Whiteface Mountain,” or “Fishkill.” Even though there is nothing wrong with being black, “black hole” is an inherently negative term. 

If you and your fascist Republicans don’t stop right now with your violent imagery, racist overtones and your hate speech, I personally will kick your pasty-faced @ss into the middle of next week. Right after midterms.

I will fight for civil rights, and will live in a town which is 95% white.

I will believe that a room full of African Americans is diverse, but a Tea Party rally with mostly white people in the crowd is inherently racist.

I still want to be a liberal.

My university discriminates against Asians and white people and I don’t care. There are too many of both in the engineering department anyway.

In the future, I will never judge a woman by her looks. Except for Melania and Ivanka Trump. I will never notice that the women at the slut march are precisely the last women on earth I’d like to see dressed like sluts.

You must support my total authority over my body, but can tell you when and how you can use your mouth. Because a uterus cannot be hateful.

I will support basic human rights. People have a right to a free education. Freedom from hateful speech. Free healthcare. And housing. Sustainable, local food sources. Free, clean drinking water with no chlorine smell.  Amusement. Transportation. Infrastructure. Clean, pressed clothing. Parks. A soft bed. Fair trade products which have not been tested on animals. Subsidized medicinal herbs. Hair care products. Respect for indigenous peoples. A basic minimum wage, regardless of work status. We have a right to comfortable places to sit. We have a right to access to shade. Parfait. Nap times. Free college loan payoffs. The freedom to have time to express ourselves in art, music and dance, free of mockery. Free post-game juice boxes. Free vision care. Encouragement. Free gender-based surgery. A career in our chosen field. Meaningful conversation, free of judgement. 

I still want to be a liberal.












This entry was posted in New Rights, Stupid and Evil, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I Still Want to Be a Liberal

  1. D. Edgren says:

    That, Dave. That.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This Other Latin F*cker says:


    Liked by 2 people

  3. Most excellent, thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

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