I’ve ignored the very active Schmalfeldtian story this week. Bill Schmalfeldt has sent a document to John Hoge which is so silly that it was mocked quite effectively very easily by the Lickspittles and Zombies.
I puzzled this week about how to deal. Do I create another Johnny Speedway or Lester Klemper television script?
John Hodge: Dr. Hadencough…
Dr, Hadencough: Please. Call me Turner.
John Hodge: Did Mr. Klemper give you any reason to believe he was faking his symptoms?
Dr. Hadencough: When I explained that he could avoid civil and legal punishment if he was declared incompetent, he urinated on himself. Eventually I was able to get him to understand that incontinent and incompetent are two different things.
John Hodge: …and what was his reaction?
Dr: Hadencough: He then told me that the urine dripping onto my office carpet was not his, but that a man named Krempler, who was also known as Grandy had driven a thousand miles across three states to pee on the front of Mr. Klemper’s sweatpants.
In the end, the last few weeks have been a part of a pattern of failure. After bragging that his internet footprint would grow, he gained and then lost a job at a very small radio station.
He announced that John Hoge would NEVER get his address, then apparently relented, and gave over his address. Of course he also published his license plate, vin number of his car, and a photograph of himself standing without a cane or assistance.
The damage which occurred to his tires would be a major story, had Schmalfeldt avoided at least two errors: Showing the worn out, flattened tires, and demanding payment for all four tires. Both the picture and the demand reinforce Schmalfeldt’s reputation as a liar. I know. Today was a cloudless day in North Carolina, and it just reinforced the reputation of the sun as hot.
I’ve been toying with a way to understand this all, and I think I’m onto something.
Schmalfeldt as a Character in the Comic Books
If this was a Marvel comic book, Mr. Schmalfeldt would have fallen into a vat of some nasty chemical on page 3 of the origin story. He’d become disfigured and shunned, only to emerge as a super-motivated villain. Instead of seeking to do good, he’d devote himself to making other people’s lives as miserable as his own. When in the presence of the heroine, he would make semi-sexual comments. He would embrace the characteristics which defined his disfigurement.
Give the villains their due: Some are pretty motivated. In the case of Schmalfeldt, I don’t think a person can devote as much time making themselves look foolish, without some strong emotional commitment. This is someone dedicated to whatever it is that we’re witnessing. There’s precious little evidence he was ever in the light, but has he gone to the dark side…deliberately acting in evil ways?
I’m not saying he actually is a super villain, or super anything…just that this metaphor actually makes more sense than the other theories.
There are very few other theories which make sense.
Is he lacking in cognitive functioning? Posting evidence that his tires were worn out, then attempting to sell the vandalism theory seems pretty dim. So do a bunch of other things he’s done. If he really is mentally or brain-damaged, some of us are going to feel very badly when it turns out to be psychiatric or organic in cause. Well, maybe not some. A few of us, anyway. Maybe less than a few. No more than a couple.
Is he involved in a multi-layered performance art? Is he Andy Kaufman, singing along with a record until we laugh or kick him off the stage? Is everything he has done — the stupid, the annoying and the disgusting — is all that a weird performance by someone trying to entertain through imbecility?
Paul Krendler figures Schmalfeldt is just a dumbf-ck. This assumes an impressive level of stupid combined with jack-assery. It’s a good theory, and I’d agree except for one thing: I have never seen such stupidity, jack-assery and over-the-top shamelessness.
If he’s a dumbf-ck, he’s the dumbf-ckiest ever.