Theories on Schmalfeldt

I’ve ignored the very active Schmalfeldtian story this week. Bill Schmalfeldt has sent a document to John Hoge which is so silly that it was mocked quite effectively very easily by the Lickspittles and Zombies.
I puzzled this week about how to deal. Do I create another Johnny Speedway or Lester Klemper television script?


Scene: Courtroom.

John Hodge: Dr. Hadencough…

Dr, Hadencough: Please. Call me Turner.

John Hodge: Did Mr. Klemper give you any reason to believe he was faking his symptoms?

Dr. Hadencough: When I explained that he could avoid civil and legal punishment if he was declared incompetent, he urinated on himself. Eventually I was able to get him to understand that incontinent and incompetent are two different things.

John Hodge: …and what was his reaction?

Dr: Hadencough: He then told me that the urine dripping onto my office carpet was not his, but that a man named Krempler, who was also known as Grandy had driven a thousand miles across three states to pee on the front of Mr. Klemper’s sweatpants.


In the end, the last few weeks have been a part of a pattern of failure. After bragging that his internet footprint would grow, he gained and then lost a job at a very small radio station. 

He announced that John Hoge would NEVER get his address, then apparently relented, and gave over his address. Of course he also published his license plate, vin number of his car, and a photograph of himself standing without a cane or assistance.
The damage which occurred to his tires would be a major story, had Schmalfeldt avoided at least two errors: Showing the worn out, flattened tires, and demanding payment for all four tires. Both the picture and the demand reinforce Schmalfeldt’s reputation as a liar. I know. Today was a cloudless day in North Carolina, and it just reinforced the reputation of the sun as hot.

I’ve been toying with a way to understand this all, and I think I’m onto something.

Schmalfeldt as a Character in the Comic Books

If this was a Marvel comic book, Mr. Schmalfeldt would have fallen into a vat of some nasty chemical on page 3 of the origin story. He’d become disfigured and shunned, only to emerge as a super-motivated villain. Instead of seeking to do good, he’d devote himself to making other people’s lives as miserable as his own. When in the presence of the heroine, he would make semi-sexual comments. He would embrace the characteristics which defined his disfigurement.

Give the villains their due: Some are pretty motivated. In the case of Schmalfeldt, I don’t think a person can devote as much time making themselves look foolish, without some strong emotional commitment.  This is someone dedicated to whatever it is that we’re witnessing. There’s precious little evidence he was ever in the light, but has he gone to the dark side…deliberately acting in evil ways?

I’m not saying he actually is a super villain, or super anything…just that this metaphor actually makes more sense than the other theories. 

There are very few other theories which make sense.

Is he lacking in cognitive functioning? Posting evidence that his tires were worn out, then attempting to sell the vandalism theory seems pretty dim. So do a bunch of other things he’s done. If he really is mentally or brain-damaged, some of us are going to feel very badly when it turns out to be psychiatric or organic in cause. Well, maybe not some. A few of us, anyway. Maybe less than a few. No more than a couple. 

Performance Art

Is he involved in a multi-layered performance art? Is he Andy Kaufman, singing along with a record until we laugh or kick him off the stage? Is everything he has done — the stupid, the annoying and the disgusting — is all that a weird performance by someone trying to entertain through imbecility?   

Dumbf-ck Theory

Paul Krendler figures Schmalfeldt is just a dumbf-ck. This assumes an impressive level of stupid combined with jack-assery.  It’s a good theory, and I’d agree except for one thing: I have never seen such stupidity, jack-assery and over-the-top shamelessness.

If he’s a dumbf-ck, he’s the dumbf-ckiest ever. 






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8 Responses to Theories on Schmalfeldt

  1. The 13th Duke of Wymbourne says:

    I, for one, would like to hear more from Dr. Hadencough.

    It is truly a magical time to be alive, witnessing first hand such dumbfuck history being made.

    Our grandchildren will sit on our knee and be mesmerised for hours as we re-tell the Schmalfeldt Chronicles. “But Fæder, surely the Schmalfeldt couldn’t be that stupid!”. “Child, the depths of a Schmalfeldt’s dumbfuckery is unknowable. It is simpler to count the grains of sand in the universe. Now for the Parable of the Slovenian Horseshit…”

    Liked by 7 people

  2. Paul Krendler says:

    I’ll be waiting patiently for pictures of your house to show up once more in someone’s Twitter TL!

    Meanwhile, pictures of mine, as always, remain unfound. Because my theory is an amazing theory, the BEST theory!!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. He recently asked to be reminded of my address. I confirmed it. I wonder which pisses him off more: A critic he can’t find, or one who isn’t intimidated.

    Liked by 6 people

  4. Simo Häyhä says:

    Well, our opinions of Bill matter a great deal to him. Note the trophy snuggle. Worse, he has no idea how he comes across. Hence the multiple restraining orders.

    That’s why Bill has such a struggle with dating. Of course, the mask slips off in person. He is no match against female intuition and, therefore, gets no second chance.

    But he really wants cub scout caulk. Sure, there are twinks that would cater to his particular predilections, but he won’t because Krendler would think less of him. So Bill remains sexually repressed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul Krendler says:

      I would not!

      Though not for lack of trying…it’s simply not possible for me to think less of it than I do presently.

      If my opinion of him were to be measured as a temperature, it would be 0 degrees Kelvin.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Simo Häyhä says:

      As Techno Jinxx thought and you confirmed, I understand. My bad for shortening too much. To clarify, it is Bill’s perspective you would think less of him for indulging in his fetish.

      Just pointing out the underlying motivation behind his frustration. Quietly memory hole his internet cesspool when the lies are finally untenable? Poor future orientation will do that to you.

      His agency in life is to be made whole. You for being a better doppelgänger and Hoge for the humiliating “fear pee” incident. Bill demands his pound of flesh.

      His worst fear is being irrelevant. Bill went crazy when everyone left him alone. It burns him that the investigative journalist, Lee Stranahan, is more successful and he is relegated as just a historical footnote.

      His town? The police closed the case on his Firestone fiasco. Ostracized from another community.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Techno Jinxx says:

    he surely can’t be doing any of what he does for entertainment, unless watching him get beaten like a stolen mule makes his “friends” laugh. For the rest of us, while we do laugh and greatly at his expense, it isn’t because he’s trying to be funny.

    RE Simo’s comment ” But he really wants cub scout caulk. Sure, there are twinks that would cater to his particular predilections, but he won’t because Krendler would think less of him. So Bill remains sexually repressed.”
    even twinks have standards after all, and as they also tend to be bottoms, that pretty much leaves Fat Ass’s sand packed mangina alone and unloved.
    But really, I don’t think it’s mathmatically possible for Krendler to think less of Bill, regardless if he were to give in to his desire for man love or not.

    Liked by 1 person

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