I am pleased to announce that I have been chosen to join the Ministry of Facts, a select elite group of writers whose job it is to eliminate fake news. [Our original name, the Ministry of Truth, was apparently already in use. — Dave]
I think we can all agree that certain stories, thoughts and ideas are fake, and therefore should be suppressed. My personal list:
- Barack Obama is a secret terrorist who was born in Kenya. Not true.He was born in Hawaii. While not actually a terrorist, the president is really bad at his job. Unless his job was supposed to be screwing up the United States of America. In that case, Mission Accomplished.
- Hillary Clinton lost the election because of Russian interference. Hillary Clinton lost the election due to growing evidence that she was mentally unstable and physically unfit for any job requiring one to sit quietly outside while others speak about someone other than Hillary Clinton. My working theory on this: her servos and internal circuitry were damaged when she was inadvertently left outside in the rain while undergoing a software breakdown in 2013. That might be fake news.
- Melania Trump was once a highly-paid escort. Mrs. Trump is an attractive woman who makes all of the Democratic Party female leadership look like fellas. The last male Democrat to marry a woman that good looking was in fact, Donald Trump. After 8 years of breathless reporting on how ‘glamorous and attractive’ First Lady Michelle Obama is, such reporting will become passe.
- The Unites States government can solve problems. Various presidents have declared wars on poverty, drugs, terrorism and crime. We have more poverty, drugs, terrorism and crime. The federal government is unqualified to accomplish much, and is remarkably unable to defeat anything other than prosperity.
- The best way to help the environment is to listen to environmentalists. Environmentalists promote bird-killing wind turbines and electric cars powered by poisonous batteries. Most environmental leaders are lawyers, not scientists. I wouldn’t take legal advice from a biologist either.
- Donald Trump supports racist groups. What happened to nuance? With the election of Donald Trump, the logic circuits of some people exploded.
If some random racists support Trump, that does not mean that he supports racists. Small numbers of asshat racists supported Trump. On the other hand, Mrs. Clinton said she admires Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood and a woman who hoped abortion would reduce or eliminate the black population. I’m not saying Hillary actually wants to eliminate or reduce the population of black Americans, but it at least makes more logical sense. I don’t know of anyone who is a racist who Trump has stated that he admires.
- Liberals like diversity. With liberals, diversity is skin deep. Elizabeth Warren is as pale as Custer, but she added diversity to the Harvard University faculty, even though she never expressed much interest in her supposed Native American ancestors’ culture. She claimed Native American ancestry when it suited her, based upon ‘high cheekbones’ and family lore. Faker. True diversity means ideological diversity, differences of faith and culture. Hire a conservative Christian for the political science department in the college, then maybe you can brag about diversity.
- When a reporter says “Critics say…” that means they have spoken to more than one critic. No.This phrase is similar to ‘veteran court observers’ or ‘experts suggest…’ It means nothing except that the reporter wants to add their own opinions, or those of other reporters. These phrases also imply that reporters figure you’re stupid.
- Guns make you unsafe. It depends on who is holding the gun. I wouldn’t trust some people with pointed sticks. Most active shooter scenarios end when good people with guns show up.
- The Constitution is a ‘living’ document. It is a written document, subject to amending as needed. If a beating heart inside an embryo within a woman’s womb is not living, then neither is the U.S. Constitution. You want to change it? Amend it. Wanna piss off more voters? Get a judge to rewrite it. Oh, please do.
- Christians are dogmatic and rigid. Hang around some liberal college students for a while. Visit the women’s center. Wear a Trump button. Call someone a ‘gal.’ Read them number 6 above.
- Journalists have a set of standards which are applied consistently across all situations. A lie. Journalists can choose the facts to fit the story, and do. Interview someone for ten minutes and use ten seconds. Visit a rally with thousands and find the one guy with dental and grammar issues. Is a politician corrupt? Democrats are isolated incidents. (Like four out of the last seven Illinois governors who have been convicted and went to jail. Coincidences.) Find a Republican in trouble? It has broad implications for the party as a whole.
- “Hands up, don’t shoot.” A lie.
- The American people need someone to guide us toward reliable news organizations like MSNBC or CNN. Brian Williams. Candy Crowley. Yes. Folks like that need more influence in our lives. With the possible exception of the ten people who thought that lady was smuggling cookie dough out of Walmart in her vagina, we are smart enough to find the truth. If we want to identify fake news, we’ll turn on the cable TV.