Next Week on Johnny Speedway…

Speedway (on phone): Hey Rosencrantz! Whatcha doin?

Rosecrantz (also on phone): Cub Scouts.

Speedway: Huh?

Rosencrantz: Yeah, I’m volunteering to drive for the Jamboree this weekend, and work with some of the scouts…

Speedway: I need you to testify about the 367 times Hodge tried to get you arrested.

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Rosencrantz is in extreme closeup on courtroom computer from previous episode.  Rosencrantz has changed into an an ill-fitting Marine uniform.

Rosencrantz: (angry, yelling) …while guys like me were marching through the rice paddies of Viet freekin’Nam.

Walker: Mr. Rosencrantz.  You were never in Vietnam.

Rosencrantz:  No, but guys like me were there. And it was no fun.

Walking: Mt. Rosencrantz, is it true that you have claimed in court papers to be suffering from scurvy, pellagra and several other debilitating diseases and requesting special permission to appear today by video conference because you are physically frail…

Rosencrantz: I can’t do much for myself.  I fear going far without my medical alert beeper…

Walker: What kind of gas mileage are you getting?

Rosencrantz: It’s not as bad as you’d think. 20 at least in the city, and 25 on the highway.

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Courtroom.  Speedway stands in front of the judge’s bench.  Judge strains to see him.

Speedway: I can’t talk about the “Everybody Mock Buddha” web site?

Judge: No. Not at all.

Speedway: What if I just said…

Judge: No.  I said no.

Speedway: How about the 367 times this man’s friend tried to get an associate of mine arrested…

Judge: I have ruled on that.

Speedway: How about the time that Mr. Hodges and Mr. Walking stalked and harassed with malice aforeplay…

Judge: I think you mean aforethought.  And I will allow that.

Speedway: Really?

Judge: No. Just kidding. You may ask about things which have to do with this case.

Speedway: How about a case involving completely different people, but with an outcome which…

Judge: This case, Speedway.

Speedway: Can I read an accusation which I made in another case, which has no bearing on this case and which would be libel, except that I included it in an email. then a Tweet and finally in a motion to dismiss, in a case I lost so badly that res judicata has attached, but which forms the basis…

Judge: Let’s assume my answer is no.

Speedway: You’re really handcuffing me. your honor.

Judge: You’ve been there before.

Bates: Your honor, if we could continue.

Judge: Yes. That’s a good idea.

Bates: Mr. Speedway is suing two dead men and several others for statements about his character, yet I believe it was on page 56 of the transcript of Speedway v. McClain and page 127 of Citizen S, his authorized biography that the plaintiff admitted…

Speedway: So, you’ve read the book about me?

Bates: Almost memorized it.

Speedway: You must have photogenic mammaries.

Bates:…

Judge:…

A Latin Man in court gallery leans forward, smiling.

Speedway: I mean of course, photographic memory.

Bates (whispering): You have me confused with my younger sister, the pre-med gymnast.

Speedway: I really need a recess your honor.

Mrs. Speedway (to herself, in thick Hungarian-Croatian accent): Is like I am inwisible.

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Courtroom #2.  Attorney Walking is again cross examining Rosencratz, who is on a courtroom computer.

Walking: Mr. Rosencrantz: Is it true you change your Twitter handles as often as your underwear?

Rosencrantz: That’s a bit of an exaggeration.

Walking: And how often do you change your Twitter ID and deliberately erase everything you’ve said about my client?

Rosencrantz: I change Twitter handles once every two weeks or so.

Walking: And if you don’t mind…   How often do you change your underwear?

Rosencrantz: Depends.

Walking: Okay.  Fine. How often do you change your Depends?

Announcer: Next on Johnny Speedway..

 

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