Good Job, Mr. Klemper


FICTION

I know this blog and its writers have given Les Klemper a hard time over the last few years.  We mocked him when he published his autobiography “No, I’m Really Sick!” and its sequel “Nope.  Still Sick.”  When he decided to rebrand himself as as the “Relieved Orphan” following the death of his parents, we chided him for insensitivity.  When he deemed it possible to determine if a grown woman was abused as a child, we understood.  As he obviously knows more about that than we do.

Yesterday I found myself in possession of a document which Klemper has not rebunked, or debuked and so I am considering it to be accurate, according to the fifth rule of Klemperian Logic.  

It paints Klemper as a real hero:

Mr. Klemper,

The Federal Beurow of Invesrtgation would like to thank you for your cooperation with our year-long undercover sting at the trailer park which was your previous residence. Your ability to surveille the park at odd hours was a genuine boost to the investigation.  We appreciate the loan of your mobile home at a listening and observation post.

As you know, three dozen members of the drug cartel ‘Ellos son Estúpidos’were convicted, and forty-seven are still at large as a result of your intelligence. We also recognize that you don’t often get to read the phrase ‘your intelligence.’  We regret having to also put you temporarily in custody, but we felt it was best to keep your cooperation a secret.  Arresting you provided your cover.

The bureau regrets that you were repeatedly attacked in prison by inmates, though we’re equally puzzled why you found yourself waking up other inmates singing ‘Lobo’s classic hit “I’d Love You to Want Me.”  We did charge all of the men who you named but sadly, most of them got off.  Well, all of them got off, but most of them were not convicted.

Please enjoy your “I Helped the FBI Nab a Mexican Drug Ring” sweatshirt and the “I Testified Against Terrorists” windbreaker.  Your “Kiss Me I’m a Federal Informant” coffee mug is on back order.

Sincerely,

Nathan Bruchker

The original was printed in Comic Sans Serif, the favorite font of the FBI.

DEAR.png

I have authenticated it using the traditional channels — that is posting it on Facebook for a week, then waiting for the FBI to deny its veracity and provenance.  

Context.

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Good Job, Mr. Klemper

  1. BusPassOffice

    how dare you not get permission, YOU didn’t get prior permission. This is not PERMISSABLE. I demand a retraction or I will rape another child (on audio tape)

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. popcornseller

    Dave, a few points:

    1. That document is obviously a forgery. I can find no typos or grammatical errors that are consistent with level GS-13 writing in government reports and publications.

    2. Posting it on Facebook is insufficient. It must be entered as an exhibit in a civil proceeding. That’s the only true way to authenticate a document.

    3. In your first paragraph, you omitted “When he wrote about every humiliating detail of his dying wife’s suffering, when he took pictures which he posted on the internet showing her deteriorating health, when he left her to die alone to complain about a comment on his website, we derided his narcissism, his attention whoring and his pure evil intent. (Links not provided to protect the innocent.)

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s