Dual Apologies

Donald Trump, NPR (National Public Radio)Donald Trump, the Republican Party's presidential nominee, said Thursday night that he had "regret" for choosing the wrong words that have caused "pain" during the 2016 campaign.

In an effort to save his flagging presidential candidacy, and two days after shaking up his campaign, Donald Trump expressed “regret” for sometimes saying the wrong thing and causing “pain.”

“Sometimes, in the heat of debate and speaking on a multitude of issues, you don’t choose the right words or you say the wrong thing,” Trump said, reading from a teleprompter at a campaign event Thursday night in Charlotte, N.C. “I have done that, and I regret it, particularly where it may have caused personal pain. Too much is at stake for us to be consumed with these issues.”

Hillary Clinton, FPR (Fictional Public Radio)

In an effort to blunt recent criticism, Hillary Clinton admitted that “yes” she sometimes is prickly and she is “sorry” so many people have died “unnecessarily.” 

“Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I forgot to advise the president to send a rescue team to save Ambassador…er…um…    and the others…  I regret lying about their deaths being the fault of a spontaneous protest over a video, and I’m particularly disappointed at the Vince Foster thing, but hell..who leaves a loaded gun anywhere I can reach it?  I’ve caused people pain, but in general the pain was over quickly.  I’m really sorry I talked Huma into marrying the rooster…” The former Secretary of State went on for a few more minutes until a heavy-set black man guided her off the stage.  

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