Coming to a Courtroom Near You…

Brett Speedway: Your Honor, I wish that the last two pleadings by the defendant be stricken from the record…

Judge: I’m not sure I understand.

Speedway: Stricken. Erased.  Expunged as ad hominem, ex parte, ad infinitum and expecto patronum.

Judge: Dunno that last one.

Speedway: Sorry, that’s from Harry Potter.  Carried away.  The defendant has submitted blasphemous, nonsensical, here we go again pleadings which are only designed to inflame an otherwise chaffed court…


Speedway:…but perhaps chaffed is too strong.  Certainly butthurt.

Judge: Actually I agree.  But Mr. Speedway.

Speedway: Yes, your Lordship?

Judge: You are the defendant.  You’re asking for your own pleadings to be stricken?

Speedway: Yes, and I must oppose plaintiff’s motion to keep these most recent filings as a part of the court record, including the one in which I referred to Your Honor as prejudiced against the plaintiff, lacking in judicial wisdom and um, um…

Judge: –rustling papers —…impotent in the face of the plaintiff’s repeated attempts to run roughshod over justice…?

Speedway: Yeah.  That sounds familiar.

Judge: Mr. Walking?  Can you give me a reason to keep these in the record.

Aaron Walking, Esq.: Yes.  At least two your honor.  Primarily the plaintiff has made admissions against interest on nearly every page.   In the heading on page one he asks the rhetorical question “how can a man be considered a diddler if there is almost no evidence of him ever diddling, only a court decision that stipulated that calling him a diddler was not a tort?”  We intend to ask in discovery what is meant by the word almost.”

Judge: I see…

Aaron Walking, Esq.: On page five I believe the defendant stated that, and I quote,”A man cannot be called a domestic terrorist simply because he supplied munitions used in the bombing of several police stations in 2013 and took part in arson attacks on the Republican National Committee Headquarters in Washington, D.C. on March of 2014….”

Speedway: Typo, Your Grace.

Walker: The defendant states on page 12 that Mary-Kate is his favorite Olsen.

Speedway:  I overshared.  I know.

Aaron Walker, Esq.: There is another reason to keep these documents in the public record. Future generations of law students should be able to draw inspiration, your honor.

Judge:  Yeah.  I’m not getting this line of logic, counselor.

Walker: When the exam schedule is tough, and the hours are long, law students may need a welcome break.

Howard Earl: –humming– Battle Hymn of the Republic  (Glory, Glory, Hallelujah)

Walker: Young law students will read these pleadings, filled with half-truths, distortions and lies…and they will draw strength.  Syntax, coherence, logic….all missing.  Citations to cases from Michigan, Belgium and also Peruvia.  The defendant’s writing is so bad as to be an exemplar of what to avoid in fine legal writing…

Speedway: Thanks.  I think.

Walker: Budding attorneys who doubt their own acumen will read these documents and take comfort.  ‘My professor called me the worst writer in the world’ they’ll say, but no!   I know a legal writer so devoid of talent that every bad writer must know they’ll never be the worst.

BigSkyBob: –drumming on desk as Howard Earl brings the chorus up and under–

Walker:  In these pleadings, verbs disagree with nouns, arguments disagree with conclusions, and nothing agrees with the postal green card.

Speedway: Who knows what to check on those things?

Walker: Every law student, lawyer or chimp banging away at a keyboard will point, laugh and repeat.  Comedy, your honor.  I pray you preserve these as comedy gold.

Howard Earl/BigSkyBob:in unison, but off key — BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH…BAAAAAAH!


Klemper: We’re gonna be rich, right, boss?

Speedway: Shut up.


This entry was posted in Free Speech, freedom, Shutuppery, Stupid and Evil, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Coming to a Courtroom Near You…

  1. Gus Bailey says:

    Bravo sir; good to see you back.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for the much needed snicker!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Virtual Insanity says:

    I laughed, I cried…better than Cats!

    Liked by 2 people

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