Says ‘It Can Also Do Good’
(Washington, D.C.) The local fire chief is waiving away criticism that his policies on fire suppression are impractical or ineffective. Instead, he redoubled his calls to understand fire’s potential positive benefits, while staunchly refusing to specifically say the word ‘fire.’
The chief’s spokesman emphasized that the administration has “fire on the run,” though the press conference to announce this fact was cut short by a two-alarm blaze one floor below the fire station press room.
Chief Barry Soetoro defended his decision not to send firefighters out September 11th, 2015, as flames destroyed a large one-family structure on the city’s middle-east side. A recent report indicated that low level staff members of the fire department spent precious hours discussing whether the fire personnel should be in full uniform, turnout gear or civilian clothes. In the end, it did not matter, as the fire was left to burn itself out, with a loss of four lives.
“I can’t blame people for being angry about the f– , I mean the event, but they’ve have been happening in that neighborhood for decades. We can’t be expected to intervene in every flame-related situation,” Soetoro explained.
The report also indicates that the fire was not caused by peaceful, yet careless protesters, but by criminals intent on burning a building down.
“How could we send out fire trucks when we were convinced the fire was caused by mob reaction to an internet video,” asked Assistant Chief Hillary Clinton. “are we supposed to fight every fire, even those caused by protests?”
“At this point, what difference does it make?” Clinton added, as she passed out buttons for her upcoming political campaign with that very question.
Soetoro has rejected calls to profile suspected arsonists. “In our nation’s capital, we will not stop and frisk people merely because they are holding a glass bottle with a towel hanging from the neck, or because they smell of gasoline. I do however ask that the Republicans in Congress join me in smart, tough glass bottle control measures.”