Lester Klemper, Second Class Seaman

Anncr: Tonight’s Lester Klemper, Private Dick will focus on the young Lester.  Before he was Lester Klemper, Police Cop or Lester Klemper, Undercover G-Man or Lester Klemper, Private Dick…he was Lester Klemper. Second Class Seaman.

Music: Anchor’s Away, up and out

Anncr: The producers of Lester Klemper, Second Class Seaman would like to thank the Navy for assistance in the production of tonight’s radio play.   Tonight we’re in the middle of the English Channel, aboard the USS Smithereen. The world is at war and Captain W.J.J. Hooge is speaking to Admiral Krendler by radiophone.

Hooge: Yes, Admiral.  For a mission like this, we either need the bravest man around, or the the dumbest.  Yes sir.  I have the man for the job.

SFX: Knocking on door.

Klemper: (behind door, off mic) I’m pushing, but the door is stuck.

Hooge: Yes. Sir.  I have the right man.

SFX: Phone hang up.

Hooge: (Yelling.) PULL THE CABIN DOOR.  300px-Map_of_Operation_Bodyguard_subordinate_plans

SFX: Door opens.

Hooge: Come in Klemper.  At ease.  Smoke?

Klemper: Only if it’s a Chesterfield, sir.

Hooge:  Light up.  This might take a while.

Klemper: Thanks, sir.  That smooth, clean Chesterfield taste is a real treat.

Hooge: I feel healthier already.  I’ve been looking at your record.  You served under Admiral Speedway.  A very impressive man.

Klemper: An even more impressive woman.



Hooge: How long were you under Admiral Speedway?

Klemper:  Well, not long at first.  But then I started enjoying myself and…

Hooge: Nevermind that now.  Klemper, I noticed you’re wearing extra medals on your uniform.  According to this medal, you served with Sherman in Atlanta.  This one says “World’s Fair 1939.”

Klemper: Sorry sir.  Got carried away.  I sometimes dress up my uniform for shore leave. Dames dig the medals.

Hooge: Good heavens man, that’s an Eagle Scout badge!  You’re a Stolen Valor Eagle Scout!

Klemper: No Sir.  I earned it stateside,  Before I joined up.

Hooge: I didn’t know you were into Scouts?

Klemper:HMCS Arrowhead


Klemper: Why?  What have you heard?

Hooge:  Nothing.  Nevermind. Don’t let it happen again. Klemper, we’re heading into the most dangerous part of the war.

Klemper: The war?

Hooge: Yes, the war.  Germans.  Japanese.

Klemper: No. Yes.  I knew that.

Hooge: Our boys hit the beaches in just weeks.  We need to get the battle plans to the French Resistance.  In this envelope are the entire plans for Operation Fortitude.  You Klemper, will lead a team of Marines on a night landing on the coast of France.  You will go first, build a fire on the beach, and the marines will reconnoiter with you by dawn.

Klemper: Cool.  Reconnoiter.

Hooge: Your contact in the resistance is…swift-490x724

Klemper: Ooh.  A stunning brunette with red lipstick on a bike wearing tight black pants and a killer turtleneck?

Hooge:  Sorry.  Next time maybe.  No, you need to find a young man named Pierre.  He will be dressed like a German soldier.  He will speak to you in German.  Do you speak any German?

Klemper: No.

Hooge: Just greet him this way.  Say “Hitler liebt kleine jungs.”  It means um, I have the invasion plans right here.

Klemper: I’m gonna write that down.

Hooge:  Sailor.  If you’re taken prisoner by the Germans.  Don’t ever, ever tell them about the Allied invasion of occupied Norway.

Klemper: Norway?  Not France?

Hooge: (whispering) Not a word about Norway!

Anncr: Act Two of Lester Klemper, Second Class Seaman continues after this from Chesterfield cigarettes….


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15 Responses to Lester Klemper, Second Class Seaman

  1. gmhowell says:

    This is quickly becoming my favorite program.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Paul Krendler says:

    You have raised this art to…to an art form!

    Fantastic stuff!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. MJ says:

    Can’t.. stop.. laughing…

    Liked by 2 people

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  5. agiledog says:

    “I didn’t know you were into Scouts?” = Hahahahahaha

    Liked by 5 people

  6. Dr_Mike says:

    You need a LULZ warning on this post!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. This Other Latin F*cker says:

    Klemper: I’m gonna right that down. Should be ‘write’. Quibble, quibble, yibble, bibble.


  8. Gus Bailey says:

    Hitler liebt kleine jungs

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Pablo says:

    Brilliant. Can’t wait for the next installation.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. JeffM says:


    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ashterah says:

    I’m loving the timing on this one, particularly.

    Liked by 3 people

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