Welcome hogewash.com readers! Look around for a while! This is like an instalanche, but more selective.
Music: Slow jazz up and under.
Anncr: We return again to the Adventures of Lester Klemper, Private Dick. Klemper has found himself unarmed and out-manned, once again.
Anncr: The scene? A street corner. Dusk. The streetlights are just beginning to come on. They, like our hero, are dim.
Klemper: So here I am, outnumbered again. Four members of a paramilitary group surround me, itching for a fight. The Navy trained me in basic self defense, but I haven’t used those skills since I fought the Japanese during the Vietnam War. And this was four on one.
Girl Scout #1: Um. Mister. Do you know we can hear all that?
Klemper: What? Oh yeah?
Girl Scout #2: Yes, Mister. You’ve been narrating for like five minutes.
Girl Scout #3: So are you gonna pay for the cookies you ate, or what?
SFX: Footsteps approach.
Speedway: Say Klemper! Who’s your swell new new friends?
Klemper: It was Brett Speedway, a sometime colleague with a shady past. Some years ago…
Speedway: Klemper, you’re narrating again.
Klemper: Sorry. bad habit.
Girl Scout #1: So are we gonna get our money for the cookies?
Speedway: Hey girls, I’ve got something better than money.
Girl Scout #2: Whats this?
Speedway: That’s a backstage pass to see the Impalas. The hottest band in town. We’re playing at the Pantages Theater…I’m the lead singer, Brett Speedway. You’ve Probably heard of me.
Girl Scout #1: (long pause) I think my grandma used to listen to you.
And now we begin act two at stately Hooge Manor, home of Quantum Magnate John Hooge. Mr. Hooge is in his favorite chair, with his feet on an Ottoman as his British butler Smithers walks in with an iced tea in a Hoogewash mug.
Hooge: Smithers, where’s my wife today?
Smithers: Photo shoot I believe, Sir.
Hooge: Vogue again?
Smithers: I believe she said something about Town and Country. She is at the lake house.
Ottoman: (Thick Turkish accent) Can I get up now, Mr. Hooge?
Hooge: Sure Ahmed. Let me move my feet. You take the rest of the night off.
Anncr: Mr. Hooge and his stylish wife will appear again in next week’s episode. Meanwhile, at a dingy diner across town, two men stare at each other across a dark booth.
Klemper: OK. I’m not sure I get this. So, you’re planning several felonies, just to get the police to forget about another crime. Somehow I think…
Speedway: Focus Klemper! Cops are like preteen girls. Fickle. One minute they’re all over you like tovex residue, and the next they won’t return your phone calls. I’m going to give them coppers some real work to do, and mysteries to solve. Your part of this plan is simple: Take the Chevy and empty the trunk. Then wash it out completely.
Klemper: Right. Empty out the back seat.
Speedway: The trunk. Focus! The trunk!
Klemper: And wash the hood real well!
Music: End theme up and under.
Anncr: Join us next week to find out if Lester did his job. Will he destroy the really cool alarm clock thingies he finds. And why does Speedway own a pint-sized police uniform?
Lester Klemper, Private Dick is a work of fiction. Any similarities between these characters and real people should not be such a big surprise. And remember: It’s always better to be a private one than a public one.
Music: Up and out.