Lester Klemper, Private Dick – Reign of Terror

Welcome hogewash.com readers!  Look around for a while!  This is like an instalanche, but more selective.

Music: Slow jazz up and under.

Anncr: We return again to the Adventures of Lester Klemper, Private Dick.  Klemper has found himself unarmed and out-manned, once again.

SFX: Traffic, people milling aroundKLEMPER

Anncr: The scene?  A street corner.  Dusk.  The streetlights are just beginning to come on.  They, like our hero, are dim.

Klemper: So here  I am, outnumbered again.  Four members of a paramilitary group surround me, itching for a fight.  The Navy trained me in basic self defense, but I haven’t used those skills since I fought the Japanese during the Vietnam War.  And this was four on one.

Girl Scout #1: Um.  Mister.  Do you know we can hear all that?

Klemper: What?  Oh yeah?

Girl Scout #2: Yes, Mister.  You’ve been narrating for like five minutes.

Girl Scout #3: So are you gonna pay for the cookies you ate, or what?

SFX: Footsteps approach.

Speedway: Say Klemper!  Who’s your swell new new friends?

Klemper: It was Brett Speedway, a sometime colleague with a shady past.   Some years ago…

Speedway:  Klemper, you’re narrating again.

Klemper:  Sorry.  bad habit.

Girl Scout #1: So are we gonna get our money for the cookies?

Speedway: Hey girls, I’ve got something better than money.

Girl Scout #2:  Whats this?

Speedway: That’s a backstage pass to see the Impalas.  The hottest band in town. We’re playing at the Pantages Theater…I’m the lead singer, Brett Speedway.  You’ve Probably heard of me.

Girl Scout #1: (long pause)  I think my grandma used to listen to you.

Anncr: While Speedway tries to line up a new group of fans for his big band, we pause to mention our sponsor, Chesterfield cigarettes.  The mild taste for those who smoke two or more packs a day.   4152110241_a28853cd41_z

And now we begin act two at stately Hooge Manor, home of  Quantum Magnate John Hooge.  Mr.  Hooge is in his favorite chair, with his feet on an Ottoman as his British butler Smithers walks in with an iced tea in a Hoogewash mug.

Hooge: Smithers, where’s my wife today?

Smithers: Photo shoot I believe, Sir.

Hooge: Vogue again?

Smithers: I believe she said something about Town and Country.  She is at the lake house.

Ottoman: (Thick Turkish accent)  Can I get up now, Mr. Hooge? ottoman_empire_asia_1792

Hooge: Sure Ahmed. Let me move my feet.  You take the rest of the night off.

Anncr: Mr. Hooge and his stylish wife will appear again in next week’s episode. Meanwhile, at a dingy diner across town, two men stare at each other across a dark booth.

Klemper: OK.  I’m not sure I get this.  So, you’re planning several felonies, just to get the police to forget about another crime.  Somehow I think…

Speedway: Focus Klemper!  Cops are like preteen girls.  Fickle. One minute they’re all over you like tovex residue, and the next they won’t return your phone calls.  I’m going to give them coppers some real work to do, and mysteries to solve.   Your part of this plan is simple: Take the Chevy and empty the trunk.  Then wash it out completely.

Klemper: Right.  Empty out the back seat.

Speedway: The trunk.  Focus!  The trunk!

Klemper: And wash the hood real well!

Music: End theme up and under.

Anncr: Join us next week to find out if Lester did his job.  Will he destroy the really cool alarm clock thingies he finds.  And why does Speedway own a pint-sized police uniform?

Lester Klemper, Private Dick is a work of fiction.  Any similarities between these characters and real people should not be such a big surprise.  And remember: It’s always better to be a private one than a public one.

Music: Up and out.

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16 Responses to Lester Klemper, Private Dick – Reign of Terror

  1. Paul Krendler says:

    Is this dick hardboiled, is what I wanna know!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. WOW. Talent. Very good.


    Liked by 2 people

  3. rt895 says:

    next thing we know Lester will be stealing from Scarlett O’Hara’s tack room, or will he go after Eyegor’s jar?…

    “Rein of Tara” or “Brains of Error”… Stay tuned


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  5. Pinwheel says:

    Ah yes, Lester the oversharing dick. Sounds about right. Nice job, Dave!


  6. Joe Nobody says:

    I saw the “Ottoman” joke coming a mile off, but still enjoyed it when it came through. It’s one of those cases where it’s just as enjoyable when it isn’t a surprise.

    Superb effort, but it overstretches my willing suspension of disbelief. The main characters can’t be THAT stupid. It’s too hard to identify or sympathize with them.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Nice! I’m a hooked reader. 🙂


  8. Gus Bailey says:



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  10. D. Edgren says:

    I’ve now pulled out all my Firesign Theatre “Nick Danger, Third Eye” tracks and will listen to them for inspiration. Cut ’em off at the past, Dave!


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