Presented with apologies to Johnny Atsign:
Music: Slow jazz saxaphone.
Anncr: These are the files of Lester Klemper, Private Dick. In his youth, he prowled the mean streets, the back alleys and the smokey bars of Anytown, USA. These days, he takes on the lowlifes of the internet.
Lester: I had my feet up on my desk, letting the smoke from a Chesterfield float up to the churning fan blades. A streetlight outside my window pushed shadows on my desk. They read: Lester Klemper, Private Dick. Well, better than being a public one, I mused for the millionth time. I chuckled. Then she walked in.
SFX: Opening door, and stilleto footsteps on hardwood.
Music: Saxaphone up.
Klemper: She was a Rubinesque blonde, all curves and lipstick. I could tell she wanted me, and I knew I wanted her. But what nefarious scheme would she weave? Is she a shill for my nemesis, Paul Chrysler? Would she — like the other dames in my life — break my heart? And why was she playing a saxaphone? Hmm.
Klemper: What do you need dollface?
Domino’s Girl: Um, well that’s 14.50 for the large meatlover’s, and three for the delivery charge.
Klemper: Moments later I was lost in my thoughts, and grabbing my second slice, when my computer screamed to life.
AOL: You’ve got mail!
Klemper: It was the boss, Brett Speedway. He noticed some of his internet critics have gotten out of hand, and could I run interference? Why I have a plan that just might work!
Announcer: While evil Lester Klemper wipes his pizza stained fingers off on a defenseless keyboard, across town another terabyte of pixels were arriving at the back gate of stately Hooge Manor. Wealthy Quantum magnate WJJ Hooge was enjoying a steaming cup of Kona coffee from a Hoogewash coffee mug. Order one today at Hoogewash dot com.
Hooge: Why what’s this? I’m being sued!
Anncr: It was Klemper’s Tweet which announced the news. Klemper was suing the entire gang down at Hoogewash, including Zombie Boy, Uncle Roy Klemper, Morticia, Wasilla David and Howard-Earl. Klemper sued three members of the Dave Clark 5, two members of the Jackson Five, every damned Osmond and the other guy from Wham.
SFX: Frantic typing.
Anncr: Using his 30 years of investigative experience, including several with NIH, Lester had identified Zombie Boy as G. Gordon Liddy, Wasilla David as F. Murray Abraham, and Howard Earl as the mysterious Russian named “Uncle” Roysay Buggeroff. In all he was suing three retired lawyers, two psychiatrists, a guy working at the NSA and a Mafia hitman. Over a twelve hour period, working without sleep, Klemper wrote up a lawsuit.
SFX: Ringing phone, picked up.
Klemper: Lester Klemper, pro se dick…I mean private…
Speedway: You idiot! You forgot Hooge! We must include Hooge, or it’s all a waste of time!
Music: Closing theme.
Anncr: On next weeks’s exciting Lester Klemper, Private Dick, we find out why Speedway was so short on the phone….and…Lester expands his lawfare to include his the head of the Capistroni Crime Family and Chuck Norris. Lester Klemper, Private Dick is a work of fiction, brought to you by Chesterfield Cigarettes…the cool smoke which provides satisfaction and focus. Now with 1/3rd less benzine.
Music: Theme up and out.