Comedy and Schmalfeldt: Like Bicycles and Fish

I have just completed the most horrific assignment of my life.  I have listened to nine minutes of Bill Schmalfeldt comedy.  So you don’t have to.  You’re welcome.  A lot has been said about the virtual Cub Scout anal rape scenarios which are designed to be comedy.

You can skip down a bit and get my review, but Schmalfeld demands context.  I’m giving you as much context as I can without vomiting.

When Bill Schmalfeldt stopped by last month he explained the two Cub Scout related comedy routines:

I wrote a parody of a religious radio show outlining the evils of letting gay kids join the boy scouts to show how ridiculous the whole fear being whipped up by people like you was. It was a bit inside of a bit, designed to show the sheer nonsense of the argument.

Later in the same thread he said this:Bill Schmalfeldt 1

Not everyone has the same taste in comedy. Some folks prefer “Marmaduke”, others prefer “South Park”. Where other people cross the line is in claiming that what I’ve done is criminal. It’s no more criminal than an editorial cartoon retweeted by noted right wing commenter David Barber in which a Boy Scout standing in front of a mincing “obviously” gay scoutmaster says, “Wait a minute, in order to get the merit badge for ‘Tolerance’ I have to do WHAT?” As a person who supports gay rights, I find that offensive. My satire was aimed at the people who THINK that way. If you thought it was tasteless and offensive, I can dig that. All I ask of my critics is that they criticize what I wrote or said, not what they PRETEND I wrote or said. 

Here’s what I heard.  In one clip, Bill tries to sound like Gov. Rick Perry telling “why I’m against letting gay kids into the boy scouts.”  Bill as Perry describes boys having oral sex and practicing “what to do if a snake bights you on the wiener.”

In the next few minutes, Bill describes a scout camping trip as an orgy of masterbation and oral sex.  “None of that butt stuff, though.”

In the other clip, Bill starts out as a slow talking southern preacher, but quickly shifts to an episode at scout camp, with an 11 year old trying to convince a 9 year old to let him put his “pee-pee in your poo hole.”  The scout leader shows up and asks to watch and take pictures.

Kenny:  Wait a minute?  What are you doing? Why are you pulling down my pants?

Jimmy: Because I can’t put my pee-pee in your puter hole with your pants up.

Kenny: But I don’t want me to put your pee-pee in your puter hole, Jimmy.

Jimmy: You have to, Jimmy.  It’s the new boy scout rule.  Ever since they decided to let boys like me into the Boys Scouts.  What they’re saying is, you have to accept us.  and that means, you have to accept my pee-pee in your poo hole. Understand?

Now the review:  Ignore how gross it is.  Ignore the fact that he’s portraying an 11 year old grooming a 9 year old for sexual abuse.  Ignore your basic instincts.  It’s not funny.

Mr Bill

Both comedy routines are slow, dull and witless.  The Rick Perry and preacher voices are poorly done — and in a stroke of irony, the voice of Jimmy sounds just like Mr. Bill.  Since Bill has no other actors to work with (would you work with him?) he does both boy voices, and sounds like he’s talking to himself.  Which he was, of course.

His comedy premise is that Rick Perry and preachers agree: Gay scouts will lead boys into sodomy.  Rick Perry did speak out about a decision to allow gay scouts to serve:

Gov. Rick Perry (R-Texas) expressed his disapproval of the Boy Scouts of America’s decision to allow gay youths on Thursday,Pegasus News reports.

“The Boy Scouts of America has been built upon the values of faith and family for more than 100 years,” Perry said in a statement.“And today’s decision contradicts generations of tradition in the name of political correctness. While I will always cherish my time as a scout and the life lessons I learned, I am greatly disappointed with this decision.”

It takes a lot to twist that into 9 and 11 year olds having anal sex, or scouts having oral sex all weekend.  He says it’s a bit inside of a bit, as if we’re too dense to get his joke.  He’s mocking the notion that preachers and Rick Perry MUST thing that letting gays into the scouts will lead to sexual mayhem.  The exaggeration is necessary, since he thinks the dumb Rethuglicans are dimwits — like the rubes in river City standing up to the appearance of a pool hall in their fine burg.

Remember how I asked you to ignore how gross it was.  Okay.  Stop ignoring.  Why do you suppose we don’t joke about children having sex?  Is it because we’re all repressed and uptight, as some liberals would have you believe?

No.  The reason this topic isn’t funny is because deep down we all know that it’s wrong.  I have taught children who have been both victims and perpetrators of sexual assault.  The scars which they carry are permanent.  They fear, they distrust and they carry a burden they just can’t put down.  I’ve seen kids pull their hair out at the roots — all their hair.  And sleep on the floor near the door so they’ll wake up if someone comes in.  Kids with PTSD greater than that of combat veterans.

When you dramatize an event, you bring it to life in a very big way.  What man says to himself “Today I’m going to pretend to be an 11-year old convincing a 9-year old to have anal sex?”  Once that thought crosses your mind, how do you ever get your ship back to harbor?

Bill doesn’t see that.  It must have taken hours to scribble out these sketches, and to record them.  In all that time, did he not think how perverted it made him sound?  How much it seemed that he has too much interest in boys having sex?  Can any adult justify the words and implications of these comedy sketches?

In the end, I can’t see a thing which makes it illegal.  Some disagree.  Bottom line: Not funny.  Very creepy.

6/15/15 3:51 — I cleaned up some caps, punctuation and stray fragments.

Totally Unrelated Story:

After a New Jersey man pleaded guilty to murdering the man he claims sexually assaulted him for years, the courtroom erupted in applause as he was led away.

In an emotional testimony on Wednesday, Clark Fredericks admitted to stabbing and killing former Boy Scout leader Dennis Pegg in 2012 with the help of a friend who was arrested as an accomplice.

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17 Responses to Comedy and Schmalfeldt: Like Bicycles and Fish

  1. D. Edgren says:

    Great piece. We’ll have more to say about this as well coming up soon over at Billy Sez.


  2. agiledog says:

    IANAL, so I can’t speak to the legality. But I agree: “Not Funny. Very Creepy.” In fact, sick, twisted, demented, perverse, and gross also could apply.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Gus Bailey says:

    Huh, Thanks for delving into the cess pit there Dave. It turns out I was (slightly) mistaken about the specifics of the one encouraging the nine y/o and the (in)actions of the adult. Allow me to retract my previous statement that the adult committed what would be sexual abuse by encouraging the activity; and state instead that the adult committed sexual abuse by complicity.

    That said, it is vile and disgusting filth that no reasonable member of society would find humorous; and most reasonable members of society would question the acceptability of having someone capable of thinking up such filth walking amongst us.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. JeffM says:

    In my opinion, the issue of illegality is completely irrelevant. Witless Willie is under the delusion that when words are used in a non-legal setting, those words must be used as terms of legal art. Nonsense.

    Words frequently have multiple meanings. The only people who must adhere to legal definitions are lawyers when practicing law. In fact, people who are not lawyers are not obliged even to know that certain words have definitions at law that vary from common usage. Pornography is one of those words that have a legal definition differing from common usage. It is not defamation for people to say that some of Willie’s scribblings are pornographic. I doubt any jury in the world would find malice in such a saying or view it as anything but fully protected opinion.

    I, like you, doubt that what he writes meets the criminal definition of pornography. Moreover, even in the common sense, I do not consider pornographic any of his oeuvre that I have had the misfortune to see. Pornography is sexually exciting. Whatever Bill intends by his writings, I doubt that many more than the very few who find it comic find it exciting. It is stupid, crass, boring, and obscene.

    Liked by 4 people

    • BusPassOffice says:

      rapirg children to me is porn,binding them, sticking penis’s in their mouths is porn, gagging them, striping them naked and urinating on them is porn.

      But hey opinions are opinions


  5. Army Vet says:

    Remember this is the guy who told a minor male on a public Internet forum that he wanted to ram his penis into the boys swollen anal tissue. No lie, you can search and find the entire disturbing conversation. Bill said he didn’t know the boy was a minor but other people on the forum pointed to posts that Bill was involved in where the boy stated he was a minor. So his underage sex ramblings shouldn’t come as much of a surprise since there is a history of it.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Rob Crawford says:

    “The scout leader shows up and asks to watch and take pictures.”

    Much like one of the members of Team Kimberlin. Huh.

    Anyone else sensing a pattern?

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Father Paul Lemmen says:

    Reblogged this on A Conservative Christian Man.


  8. D. Edgren says:

    We aren’t posting at Billy Sez until the 23rd…

    …but the comments continue. Come check out this and other comments in Bill Schmalfeldt’s Rest of his Life thread. A new beginning?- you be the judge.


  9. Pingback: Bill Schmalfeldt fantasizes about child-rape | billschmalfeldtrapist

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